Certifiable


The word ‘certifiable’ is defined by Webster as “to attest officially to the insanity of” someone. It is used to refer to someone who is definitely crazy, not just a little impaired.

I wonder how crazy I am. Am I certifiable? If I’m certifiable now, how will anyone know when I actually become certified? What will I be after I’m certified (besides crazy)?

There must be a big office building somewhere (probably in Washington DC, where they need it most) that has a big stamp, and if you get sent there, they stamp “certified” on your forehead. Of course they use indelible ink so the stamp never comes off and everyone you meet after that knows you are a nutcase. The question is, why haven’t we seen anyone wearing this stamp? Surely everyone now and then comes upon someone who is certifiable and has been certified.

Obviously the men in white coats must be the ones who decide who is certifiable and who is not. Who gives the test? Can we study for the test, if we don’t want to be certified? Since Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung are dead, look out for Dr. Phil. He may secretly have the stamp hidden in his desk drawer and if he thinks you need it, Bam, you’re certified!

However, if this were true, some of the people on his show would surely have this stamp on their forehead. Why haven’t we seen it? Health professionals and accountants get certified, but are they ‘certifiable’ before that? Which comes first, being certifiable or being certified? There is a lot of confusion on this topic. Kind of makes you crazy doesn’t it?’

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